I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize