Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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