I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
