I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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