my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
