Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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