On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize