I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I've blown a few things in my day
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
