When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
