I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
