sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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