i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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