Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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