I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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