I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
