i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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