My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
