Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
