I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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