dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
