Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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