Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
i now understand why vodka
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
