i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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