don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize
