I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
