The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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