hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
