someone get that fucking seahorse.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
