He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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