What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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