Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
