Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
