he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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