my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
