I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
