If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
