So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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