why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
