im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
