Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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