it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
