we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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