Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Randomize