some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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