Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
