he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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