remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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