Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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