we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
