this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize