I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
