The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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