I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
