I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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