420 ftw
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
