i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
where are my eyebrows?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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