I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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