i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
