that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
